AN UNEXPECTED JOURNEY

What an unexpected journey I find myself on. My spouse was diagnosed with Alzheimers disease a year ago. Some days, all seems well. Other days, he has trouble remembering how to drive places he's driven to for years, or even how to turn the car off. I definitely find that I will need God's grace to complete this journey. 

This horrible disease starts in one small part of the brain, and then slowly (sometimes faster than expected) creeps and finds its way throughout the brain. As I see signs of it spreading, I see it taking over parts of his memories that have shrunk back. I see it taking over some of his abilities that were once simple and routine, yet now, he can't seem to understand how to do some of the simplest things. I see his inability to navigate even the most familiar places. 

I am beginning to see that some of the things he is experiencing in the moment, are only for the moment, and he may not remember next week. Some friends, and even family members, continue to deny it. Yet, for me, I see its progression almost daily in some way, even if its just that distant stare or confused look. And sadly, most days, I see that he sees it. It causes fear and confusion, and eventually devastation. 

Christ calls us not to fear, but to love boldly. Scripture tells us that His heart is bent toward the hurting and most vulnerable among us. HE is NEAR! 

More than ever, I think he longs to be reminded that I love him more than ever, that I will not ever abandon him, that I have THE BEST of him (contrary to him saying recently, Too bad you have the worst of me), and that I love him just as he is. I remind him that there is way more to him than a sharp mind and young body! 

Sometimes its seems he is trying to hide the progression of the disease. Other times, he actually says, I think Im getting worse, or I don't like feeling confused, or I don't like not remembering. I remind him that we may forget, but He never forgets, and He is faithful! He has been FAITHFUL in the PAST, He is PRESENT in the current NOW, and He has PROMISED us a FUTURE. 

For me, it is becoming a patience issue. I must deliberately speak slower, one thing at a time, and repeat as often as is necessary, without showing impatience or frustration. I continue to learn patience...to SLOW DOWN...to savor each memory, and each moment.

Sometimes, it's hard for both of us, not knowing what the future will bring. Yet, I always reassure him that I'm not going anywhere. I will be here with you. 

I am learning that he wants to help me with certain things. I continue to learn that he doesn't have to do it perfectly. I am learning even more so to focus on his strengths, and not what he neccesarily can't remember or do. 

I remind myself that sometimes he is feeling down, sad, or has a sense of grief. Sometimes, I can tell, other times I cannot. 

Though I love to workout at the gym, I find that he really loves it when I walk with him. 

He loves looking through the photobooks I've made of our trips together and of memories with his friends, children, and grandchildren. 

He loves our daily routine of starting our day in the reading room togther, talking, scratching lotto cards, drinking coffee, whatever. I just know he enjoys that time and the routine. He really likes holding hands or even just snuggling, and falling asleep and waking together. 

I want to continue to remind and help him remember the Lord, and His grace and mercy and love. Even if he forgets how to drive home, I want him to remember the Lord, and all that He has done for him. Just as God told the Israelites to remember all He had done for them, I want him to remember. He is and will be with us. He will provide. We have an intercessor. Even if he can't remember, I pray He FEELS God's PRESENCE. 

I love music, as does he. I want him to remember the hymns and choruses that he grew to love. 

I want him to know this is not the end for him. The suffering he/we may endure will be worth it compared to what's in store for us in the next life. So, together we press on, with hope. 

And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts (Rom. 5).

A few favorite Scriptures I cling to: 

Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on Thee: because he trusts in Thee. Isa. 26:3 

Be still...and know that I am God. Psa. 46:10 

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Cor. 13:7 

And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 2 Cor. 12:9 

We are not discouraged. Even though our outer nature suffers decay, our inner nature is renewed day after day. 2 Cor. 4:16 

A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones. Prov. 17:22 (One of my goals is to LAUGH and MAKE HIM LAUGH EVERY DAY!) 

Oh God, be not far from me; Oh my God, make haste to help me! Psa. 71:12 

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Psa. 46:1 

Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. John 14:27 

And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts to which indeed you were called in the one body. And be thankful. Col. 3:15 

Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous fall. Psa. 55:22 

May you be strengthened with all power according to His glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy. Col. 1:11 

Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. Matt. 6:34 

Cast all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7 

It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is Thy faithfulness. Lam. 3:22-23

 

Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of Me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light. Matt. 11: 28-30 

 

"You cannot change a thing, even if you think it is wrong. When life is good, enjoy it. But when life is hard, remember that God gives us good times and hard times. Eccl. 7 

I would rather not have experienced this phase of our lives, but I receive and accept it.

There is nothing wrong with wealth. But money and wealth alone will not change the world. That's not what really makes a difference. We all want to make a difference. We all want to matter! God doesn't call us if we are equipped. He calls us...THEN He equips us! He desires to work in and through us. Yes, money and fame go a long way in helping others. However, when we serve others with our time, talents,  and gifts, not only can we make a difference and bless lives, we in turn are blessed. We experience a very different kind of joy. Serving and giving produce encouragement and peace and energy and positivity and strength. I believe it actually creates life. From that new life comes forth gratitude and health. We should never serve or help others in order to be blessed. But when we do serve others from our heart, we will be blessed, right along with those we help. It may not be convenient.  It may cost us time, energy, money and more. But when we work to lighten someone else's load, we ourselves will be transformed.

When our kids were young, every year at Christmas we visited nursing homes, sang Christmas carols and delivered small, inexpensive items such as gloves, hats, scarves, candy canes, etc. to the residents and homemade cookies to the nurses and staff. Our kids talked about it for weeks. Before long, we had friends and neighbors, along with their children, asking if they could tag along too. Eventually, we decided to go visit on Valentine's day, Easter, and Halloween. It's a great memory for our children as we felt like we were receiving the larger blessing.

Later, when I taught a homeschool yearbook/computer/writing/photography class, it was a mandatory assignment for the highschoolers to go sing at the Nursing home. They received bonus points if they brought homemade treats. At the end of the year when we reflected back on our school year, it was a highlight for many, if not most of the students. I think when people feel like they can contribute something to another person's life, all of a sudden extraordinary things can be accomplished. I believe it was JFK who said, "One person can make a difference, and everyone should try." As it says in Acts 20:35, “It is more blessed to give than to receive.”

My heart was so burdened for those people in the Bahamas whose lives were devastated by the recent Hurricane Dorian. I searched off and on for days trying to figure out a way to make my way down there and bring some of them home to stay here so that I could serve them in some way ... whether by buying them clothes or feeding them food ... just provide the basic necessities of life. They wouldn't allow me to do it. So I served by staying before the throne and praying for them. Prayer does make a difference! Prayer grounds us and turns our focus away from ourselves and towards others. I sure would want someone to help us, or our loved ones, even if by just knowing they take time to remember us in prayer. Many seem cynical about prayer, but to a believer, prayer is vital. Prayer is a meeting place with God. Prayer does make a difference not only in the lives of others, but to the one who prays! Make a difference... Give. Serve. Pray.

I shall (SHOULD) not be afraid.

The Lord is my Shepherd. I shall (SHOULD) not be afraid. But. I am. Even tho I walk thru the valley of the shadow of death. I will fear no evil. But. I do. To me, evil is anything that might cause harm, danger, injury, death. I KNOW, without doubt, where I am going when this body dies. But. I am just not quite ready to die.

I am in mid flight because my granddaughter is about to be born at any given minute. I have been trying to fly across country for 5 days! What would normally take just a little over 5 hours has taken over 5 days due to weather and Covid illnesses. And now, we are stopped on the runway, surrounded ny emergency vehicles, trying to de-ice the plane, the wings, my window!

I tried not to be afraid, But I was. The Lord is good to me. He is patient with me. Over and over I am plagued with trust issues in the midst of calamity. When will I get this?!?! I'm sure He thinks the same! But. He just keeps assuring me in various ways. One of the biggest things that God used to help me was bringing to mind Scriptures that brought peace, comfort, calmness, and trust. I was texting back and forth with my dearest who also sent me Scriptures. Here are the 2 biggies that stilled and quieted me: "The Lord is my Shepherd...I shall not fear." ~Psa 23 “I am sending an angel ahead of you to guard you along the way and to bring you to the place I have prepared.” ~Exodus 23:20 “For He will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways. On their hands they will bear you up, lest you strike your foot against a stone.” ~Psalm 91:11-12 Fearing and trusting do not mix! They are opposites! I know that. Today, it was as if He reminded me, tho He is the King of Kings, more importantly,  He is The Great Shepherd.

I thought about that while looking out the airplane window. Kings dont really 'know' everyone in their kingdom. But. Shepherds know EVERY ONE of their sheep. Shepherds care about their sheep. I need to remember. I need Him. He loves and cares for me. Deeply. I need to remember. I am a sheep. I am His sheep.

There is Peace and Comfort in knowing and remembering that!

Trusting When You Don't Understand

I was supposed to already be there!

This is what my mind is tempted to think with every roadblock these days. I boarded a plane Sunday morning to arrive in Seattle that evening for the birth of my granddaughter this week.

As I sit here in this quiet, lonely hotel room, thinking 'What a mess!" I am reminded that God may not cause the messes, but He can control the messes and storms of our lives. When things seem a mess, I want to be a messenger. When I succum to tears, I want instead to be full of cheers to help and encourage others. I want to turn my focus outward, and then inward, only long enough to realize, how blessed I am. I have faced many heartaches in this life, and there have been so many times and so many things that didn't and don't make sense; things I just didn't understand. I'm reminded of Job, and how he lost it ALL...EVERYTHING! Yet, in the midst of loss and heartache and misunderstanding, despite all his friends telling him to turn AWAY from God, Job turned TOWARD God. Job praised God. I want that kind of faith; the faith that KNOWS and TRUSTS that all will be okay. I am by nature a problem solver - a get-er-done kinda gal. I need to remember: I don't have to solve everything! I need to be better at living by promises more than by understanding. I pray for faith to trust HIM, even more so, when I don't understand than when I do. Nothing is a surprise to God; even constant delays and cancelations when flying to be there for the birth of my granddaughter. I am reminded of the words of Charles Spurgeon, who said something like, "God is too good to be unkind. He is too wise to be confused. If I cannot trace His hand, I can always trust His heart." As I look out this hotel window at the silent snow falling, I am reminded to be silent; to listen to the things and lessons He may be trying to teach me. I know God is sovereign. I know God has a plan and purpose for everything. I know God loves me. I know God only wants the best for me.

This morning, as I boarded the hotel shuttle back to the airport to catch another shuttle to my hotel for the next 2 days, I sat next to an elderly lady. She'd been stuck for only  a day, but... she was crippled with no wheel chair, she had been told our hotel was handicap accessible (it was not) and would accomodate her (they did not), she was partially blind in both eyes, she had no idea where her luggage was, and she told me she felt scared. In that very moment, tears flooded my eyes as I realized,  this is why I'm still here. As we approached the terminal, I reached over and took her hand  and said, "Don't be afraid. I'm going to help you. Let me have your hand and I'll help you off the shuttle. I'll  go with you to the agent, and I wont leave you until I get you a wheelchair and you are on your way to your gate. You're going to be okay."

Some time later, as I waved good bye to her in the wheelchair on her way, for the first time in days, rather than question God, I was able to sincerely say, 'Thank you God. Thank you for opening my eyes and heart to see a glimpse of YOU. Your timing is never wrong. You are always at work in my life. Thank you for the blessing of being able to help that scared woman. Help me to trust you more.' I am not sure when, but ... I am still going to get there! “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding.” Proverbs 3:5

Four Years Ago Today

You speak to him one day, and every thing is fine. In fact, it is even better than fine, because the ugly cancer he's battled for the past year is gone.

Then, two days later, he's gone... forever.

As most know, I rushed to his home as quickly as I could after speaking with his father.
The truth is, which I've told very few, is I honestly believed he "wasn't really dead....he just needed me to come help him." I suppose that's what shock does to you. It clouds reality-garbles your mind.

A day later, while picking up Eddie, his shepherd, from the shelter, I learned he was murdered.

I've lost loved ones. Some died slowly, suffering at times. Others died quickly. Sometimes the slow deaths seem better because you have time to say the things you want to say to the person. The fast deaths, on the other hand, are nice in a way because you know the person didn't suffer very much.

With his death, knowing he was left all alone, in a fetal position at the foot of his bed, bleeding from gunshot wounds, I can only hope he didn't suffer long. I remember standing over that cut-out area of carpet in his room. Then, suddenly, I fell to my knees and just lay there beside the silhouette of his body wailing. He was gone. Death steals so much.

The pain never really goes away. The thoughts of his death come and go without warning. It was just so senseless. They say time heals. I am not certain that's really true. The pain scabs over. Then suddenly, it seems the scab has fallen off, and the pain reemerges; and it's still the same. It is not healed at all. It just hurts.

I search through the few pictures I have just to look at him. I search to find the voice recording I have just to hear his voice.

I can only cope by focusing on all the good memories we had, the laughter, the jokes, the long conversations, even sometimes the tears.

His death was so disruptive. There was no gradual transition or time to adjust. There was just a sudden void-a huge gap.

I remember after his surgery telling him I loved him. His response was, "I'd be a fool if I didn't know that."

Knowing he knew helps. It's a good reminder to realize that tomorrow is guaranteed to no one. Today, in fact, only this moment, is all we have. This awareness helps keep my mind on what is really important, certainly not all the trivial matters. It's a reminder to show and tell people I love them, they matter.

So, as I reflect back on this day four years ago, and on his life, I choose to focus on the good times and memories, and on all the good that was in him.

I also cry. There is release in that, and peace, and comfort.

I celebrate his life.

No regrets.

You matter to me!

Trust

It takes courage to trust!


I want to walk ahead with both eyes wide open. 

And my heart, just as open. 

But. 

Its hard. 

I want to make calculated, thoughtful, wise choices and decisions. I don't want blind trust. I want 'eyes wide open' trust. But.

Cautious. 


I dont want to be weak. It takes strength to trust.

Hurts must be soothed and wounds must be healed or at least healing. 


I love so wide open, and full, and deep.


But thats not necessarily how I am loved.

Even so, I do't want walls around my heart. I dont want to hold back.

I don't want to always be suspicious.  I don't want anything constricting my heart. 


I know. I must:

Forgive.

Accept.

Let go.

Believe.

Trust.


I'm reminded of teaching my kids to learn to swim.  To jump into my arms in the pool. They had to just jump in and do it. To trust.

Christ reminds us to have 'childlike faith'.


Bottom line: I must realize and trust, that HE is in control.

My security is in HIM. No one else. 

So it's not really up to me to open my heart afterall.

It is His Spirit within me that opens and protects my heart.


So, its actually HIM I need to trust.

Hebrews 4 reminds me,

"For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires....

This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for He faced all of the same testings we do."


He sympathizes with us.

There is no wall too high for Him!

I will not be afraid.

He is able!


'Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to His power that works within us.' 

Eph. 3:20

Waiting

Years ago, I remember feeling STUCK. I had been ordered to bed rest for 6 weeks. My children were young - three under the age of 6. Thankfully, my mother came to help. I don't know how we would have survived without her!

Yet, even with her help, there were times when I felt stuck. I was stuck in bed upstairs on the 3rd level. All the children's bedrooms were at the other end of a long hallway. Because they wanted me to rest, they always wanted to shut the door or at least 'pull it to' so that I wouldn't hear the loudness of the activity going on elsewhere. Little did they know, I needed to hear the conversations, the noise, the laughter, the doors closing, the microwave beeping.... I needed to feel 'a part of'.

Today, I have been given a "similar sentence". "You can't drive for 6 months." WHAT!?!?! Are you kidding me? I've got things to do - presents to buy - places to go - people to see - I've got a life to live. This house doesn't even have a hallway. It seems the whole house is a hallway in which I'm stuck.

Deep down, I know it's for my best - for the best of others.


Not only have a experienced seizures, I now have episodes of vertigo. It feels like the whole world is spinning at times. Other times, it feels like I am swaying back and forth on a ship. Then, at times, I am caught off guard and fall completely backwards because of the spinning and loss of balance. So, deep down, I know I shouldn't drive. But then, I think, well, I haven't had another seizure. And the vertigo episodes only last seconds, not even a minute. Yet, I know, that's all it takes to cause an accident. To hurt someone. To kill someone.

I don't want to be stuck at home. I don't want to depend on others to get me where I want to go. I just don't like this!

So, for now, I have a lesson to learn.

I remember when I felt stuck and trapped and lonely before. I finally realized, the Lord was just as lonely for me. I realized that He longed for me to long for Him, just as much as I longed for my family to come and be with me.

So, now, I'm seeking Him - His face - His lesson in all of this. What exactly is He trying to tell me.

So, for now, I ramble in frustration at the sense of feeling confined, trapped, restricted, stuck. Hopefully, soon, I will see the lesson in all of this. I'm looking for the lesson in the "hallway."

I know in my other house - with the hallway - sometimes, I was on the way to the laundry room to do work. The walk down the hallway was a time of rest - before the work began. Other times, I was on my way to one of the children's bedrooms. They were awake. I had to prepare. I was on my way to get them out of the crib. The work was about to begin - change the diaper, feed them, etc. etc. I loved it, but the break was over.

I'm hoping now - while stuck in the dark hallway - I take the time to listen and learn - to find the lesson - to prepare - to enjoy the break.

I know His timing is perfect. Nothing is by chance. He is sovereign. I know He has "a table prepared for me". He knows what's best for me! I just need to keep remembering that. I just need to trust. I just need to be patient. I just need to remember. I just need to listen.

I know when we're stopped, we're more able to hear. I just hope I can stop complaining and belly aching so that I can hear. I pray I can trust Him in the waiting.
"Leaning on Jesus - Leaning on Jesus - safe and secure from all alarms. Leaning on Jesus - Leaning on Jesus - Leaning on the everlasting arms!"

I know He is once again calling me unto Himself. "What a fellowship! What a joy divine! What a blessedness! What a peace is mine! Oh for grace, to trust Him more!"

I'm disappointed that I've been told not to drive. But deep down, I know HE WON"T DISAPPOINT! There are always - always - always blessings on the other side of waiting! There are so many examples in Scriptures of those who were blessed after the waiting period - after the hallway. Joseph waited, and was made King. Sarah waited and was given Samuel. Job waited and was rewarded with double. Abraham waited and became the Father of many nations. There are so many others! We just have to keep walking in the hallway, knowing that He is walking with us. We just have to realize it is a time of rest while we are there. We just have to remember that God Himself is there with us!

My hope is in HIM. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “Therefore I have HOPE in Him.” - Lamentations 3:24

He will not disappoint! "And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love." - Romans 5:5

He will lift me up! "But those who hope and trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint." - Isaiah 40:31

I will not be afraid - I will be victorious! "Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my right hand." Isaiah 41:10

"Because of the Lord's great love, we are not consumed! For His compassions never fail! They are new every morning; great is His faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22, 23

As one of my favorite passages says: "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James 1:2-4

"He is perfecting all that concerns me!" - Psa. 138:8

Hoping to look back and see the lesson in the waiting. Anxiously waiting to repeat again as Luke said in verse 49 of chapter 1, "For He who is mighty has done great things for me; and holy is His name!"

Until then, I wait.....