AN UNEXPECTED JOURNEY

What an unexpected journey I find myself on. My spouse was diagnosed with Alzheimers disease a year ago. Some days, all seems well. Other days, he has trouble remembering how to drive places he's driven to for years, or even how to turn the car off. I definitely find that I will need God's grace to complete this journey. 

This horrible disease starts in one small part of the brain, and then slowly (sometimes faster than expected) creeps and finds its way throughout the brain. As I see signs of it spreading, I see it taking over parts of his memories that have shrunk back. I see it taking over some of his abilities that were once simple and routine, yet now, he can't seem to understand how to do some of the simplest things. I see his inability to navigate even the most familiar places. 

I am beginning to see that some of the things he is experiencing in the moment, are only for the moment, and he may not remember next week. Some friends, and even family members, continue to deny it. Yet, for me, I see its progression almost daily in some way, even if its just that distant stare or confused look. And sadly, most days, I see that he sees it. It causes fear and confusion, and eventually devastation. 

Christ calls us not to fear, but to love boldly. Scripture tells us that His heart is bent toward the hurting and most vulnerable among us. HE is NEAR! 

More than ever, I think he longs to be reminded that I love him more than ever, that I will not ever abandon him, that I have THE BEST of him (contrary to him saying recently, Too bad you have the worst of me), and that I love him just as he is. I remind him that there is way more to him than a sharp mind and young body! 

Sometimes its seems he is trying to hide the progression of the disease. Other times, he actually says, I think Im getting worse, or I don't like feeling confused, or I don't like not remembering. I remind him that we may forget, but He never forgets, and He is faithful! He has been FAITHFUL in the PAST, He is PRESENT in the current NOW, and He has PROMISED us a FUTURE. 

For me, it is becoming a patience issue. I must deliberately speak slower, one thing at a time, and repeat as often as is necessary, without showing impatience or frustration. I continue to learn patience...to SLOW DOWN...to savor each memory, and each moment.

Sometimes, it's hard for both of us, not knowing what the future will bring. Yet, I always reassure him that I'm not going anywhere. I will be here with you. 

I am learning that he wants to help me with certain things. I continue to learn that he doesn't have to do it perfectly. I am learning even more so to focus on his strengths, and not what he neccesarily can't remember or do. 

I remind myself that sometimes he is feeling down, sad, or has a sense of grief. Sometimes, I can tell, other times I cannot. 

Though I love to workout at the gym, I find that he really loves it when I walk with him. 

He loves looking through the photobooks I've made of our trips together and of memories with his friends, children, and grandchildren. 

He loves our daily routine of starting our day in the reading room togther, talking, scratching lotto cards, drinking coffee, whatever. I just know he enjoys that time and the routine. He really likes holding hands or even just snuggling, and falling asleep and waking together. 

I want to continue to remind and help him remember the Lord, and His grace and mercy and love. Even if he forgets how to drive home, I want him to remember the Lord, and all that He has done for him. Just as God told the Israelites to remember all He had done for them, I want him to remember. He is and will be with us. He will provide. We have an intercessor. Even if he can't remember, I pray He FEELS God's PRESENCE. 

I love music, as does he. I want him to remember the hymns and choruses that he grew to love. 

I want him to know this is not the end for him. The suffering he/we may endure will be worth it compared to what's in store for us in the next life. So, together we press on, with hope. 

And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts (Rom. 5).

A few favorite Scriptures I cling to: 

Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on Thee: because he trusts in Thee. Isa. 26:3 

Be still...and know that I am God. Psa. 46:10 

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Cor. 13:7 

And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 2 Cor. 12:9 

We are not discouraged. Even though our outer nature suffers decay, our inner nature is renewed day after day. 2 Cor. 4:16 

A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones. Prov. 17:22 (One of my goals is to LAUGH and MAKE HIM LAUGH EVERY DAY!) 

Oh God, be not far from me; Oh my God, make haste to help me! Psa. 71:12 

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Psa. 46:1 

Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. John 14:27 

And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts to which indeed you were called in the one body. And be thankful. Col. 3:15 

Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous fall. Psa. 55:22 

May you be strengthened with all power according to His glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy. Col. 1:11 

Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. Matt. 6:34 

Cast all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7 

It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is Thy faithfulness. Lam. 3:22-23

 

Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of Me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light. Matt. 11: 28-30 

 

"You cannot change a thing, even if you think it is wrong. When life is good, enjoy it. But when life is hard, remember that God gives us good times and hard times. Eccl. 7 

I would rather not have experienced this phase of our lives, but I receive and accept it.